


i'm only human with my flaws, just a fool without a cause

by lovedisak



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M, but he lerans from it, i never know how to tag ffs, insensitive language regarding mental illness, isak is a lil insensitive at times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 09:04:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10850790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovedisak/pseuds/lovedisak
Summary: “Because I don’t need to go to therapy, I’m not sick or anything”Isak knows that was a shitty thing to say even before he takes in all of his friends’ facial expressions, not directed at him, but at something behind him.Someone.Alternatively, Isak is Trying





	i'm only human with my flaws, just a fool without a cause

**Author's Note:**

> title from 2yl by the front bottoms please comment and leave kudos! :)

Isak’s pretty sure he’s about to fall asleep sitting down. On a park bench, with a kebab in his right hand and Jonas’ hand in his left (he’s cold and he didn’t bring gloves and Jonas’ hands are always warm, somehow), and his head resting against his best friend’s shoulder.

He’s vaguely aware of Magnus talking about some new show he started watching (Isak stopped listening after “okay, so he kind of fucks his sister but _listen_ , you guys”), but he’s not paying attention to any of it. He’s trying to keep his eyes open, but they keep slipping shut without his permission, and opening them again is getting harder every time it happens.

The thing is, he hasn’t been sleeping very well lately. His body does this thing, right, where whenever he’s stressed to the max, going from studying at school to studying at home to visiting his mom to visiting his little sister (and studying at his dad’s place instead of paying attention to her, which really, really doesn’t sit well with her); instead of making him sleep for fifteen hours to try and regain all the energy he lost during the day, it just. Keeps him up all night.

And it’s not even useful. It’s not like he stays up and does all the homework he’s behind on, or cleans the house, or has sex with Even. He’s awake, he can’t sleep, but he’s exhausted. He doesn’t feel like getting up and being productive, he feels like fucking _sleeping_. But he can’t.

Even is an angel about it, googling all kinds of cures for insomnia, making him herbal tea, forcing him to turn off his phone thirty minutes before they go to bed, getting rid of all the coffee in the house. But none of those things actually help Isak sleep (they just make him feel very much in love with his gentle boyfriend), and Even can’t really stay up all night just to talk to Isak (not due lack of trying, but Isak won’t let him). He’s out there getting his 8 hours of sleep and everything.

So that brings him to where he is now, half asleep in the park with his friends all having a conversation around him.

“Isak!” the way Magnus says it makes Isak think it’s definitely not the first time he’s called his name.

“Mm?” he’s not really conscious enough to make any words at the moment.

“Dude, you’re falling asleep in the middle of my story” Isak is pretty sure he’d be falling asleep listening to Magnus’ story even if he had had more than one hour of sleep the previous night, but he doesn’t mention it. God, he’s even too tired to _drag Magnus_.

“Sorry” Isak places his kebab on the bench – he’s not really hungry, anyway – and uses his now free hand to rub at his eyes, as he snuggles closer to Jonas.

“Why are you so sleepy?” Jonas asks, disentangling his and Isak’s hands which makes him whine in protest – he’s sleepy, okay, he won’t take any responsibility for the sounds he makes in this state. However, Jonas only moved his hand so he could wrap his arm around Isak’s shoulder, and now it’s much easier to cuddle up to him, and Isak is even warmer. Jonas is a good friend.

“Just haven’t been getting much sleep”

“Like how much?”

“Maybe like,” Isak rubs his nose against Jonas’ shoulder. It’s not that Isak is a cuddly person – _please_ , he’s a cool, fun teenage guy- yeah, okay he likes cuddling but Jonas is just so fucking _warm_ “like four hours?”

“Four hours is half of the time you’re supposed to sleep in a night” Mahdi informs him.

“No, four hours this week”

He flinches at Magnus’ disbelieving yell of “this _week_?” It’s so loud, why do the boys always talk so fucking loud.

“Isak, it’s Friday” Jonas tells him. Isak doesn’t get what that’s supposed to mean, and he doesn’t feel like trying to decipher it.

“Yeah?” he frowns.

“That’s like one hour a night!”

“Yeah, I just,” Isak lifts his head up from Jonas’ shoulder “I don’t know, can’t fall asleep”

“Have you talked to a doctor?” Mahdi asks, and he actually looks so concerned, it’s kind of touching.

“Yeah, I went to the school doctor,” Magnus starts to argue she’s not a _real_ doctor, but Jonas shushes him so Isak can go on “but she wasn’t much help”

“What did she say?”

“She said I should go to therapy” Isak lets out a weak laugh, and waits for his friends to do the same. They don’t.

“Maybe you should” Mahdi suggests. Isak raises an eyebrow at him.

“I’m not gonna go to therapy” his friends are looking at him with confusion written all over their faces, and honestly, what’s their problem?

“Why not?” Jonas frowns, then looks at something right above Isak’s shoulder and starts smiling, but Isak doesn’t pay attention to that before he speaks again.

“Because I don’t need to go to therapy, I’m not _sick_ or anything”

Isak knows that was a shitty thing to say even before he takes in all of his friends’ facial expressions, not directed at him, but at something behind him.

Someone.

“Um,” Even starts, and Isak can’t do anything but look up at him, guilt and embarrassment encompassing him “sorry, I was just at Sana’s and I thought I’d pick you up so we could go home together” he’s not really looking him in the eye, keeps his gaze down towards the ground, and he’s fucking _apologizing_. For being there when Isak said yet another ignorant thing, like it’s somehow his fault.

“Even-“ Isak doesn’t really know what he’s going to say, but he doesn’t have to think about it too much since Even is already walking away from them with a quick “see you at home then”.

Isak calls his name one more time, but Even doesn’t look back.

“Shit” Isak whispers, rubbing his temples with both his hands.

He doesn’t even have the energy to glare at Magnus after his “shit dude, that was _bad_ ”.

 

The thing is, hurting Even? Yeah, pretty much the worst feeling in the world.

Isak is painfully aware of how much he doesn’t deserve his boyfriend, who always shines so bright and does his best to make everyone around him happy, no matter what the consequences might be for his own emotional state. Even is just selfless, giving, loving. And not a complete fucking idiot, which is more than Isak can say for himself.

He’s walking home and trying to figure out exactly what he’s going to tell Even. He owes him an apology, that much is clear, but Isak is so bad with words he doesn’t really trust himself not to make matters even worse by saying the wrong thing.

His friends had assured him that Even loved him, _he knows you didn’t mean it Isak, just give him a blowie and everything will be forgotten_. But they don’t _know_ Even. He seems so strong and put together, people don’t realize that he’s really fragile, words hurt him so deep and he doesn’t say anything so he doesn’t make the people around him feel bad. God, Isak is a fucking asshole.

When he gets to the front door, he has exactly zero ideas as to what to say in his mind. But he knows he has to say the only thing he can really offer Even, the truth.

Even is not in the living room or the kitchen, and all the lights are off. Isak has a moment of panic where he thinks Even isn’t here, that he packed his bags and went back to his moms’, left a note saying “ _Bye, Isak, thank you for your time, but I just realized you’re actually very stupid, who would’ve thought! Have a nice day_ ”; until he sees Even’s shoes right by the door, next to his. He lets out a sigh, and he feels ready to talk to his boyfriend. Isak has really never loved anyone like this, and he’s pretty sure he could move a fucking mountain to make Even smile, so he’ll figure this out.

Even is lying in bed, reading a book when Isak walks into their bedroom. To anyone else, it would look like he was just chilling. But Isak knows Even, can read the slight downturn in his mouth, the missing twinkle in his eye when he looks up from his book at Isak and mutters “hi” in greeting.

“Hi” Isak stands by the door for a few seconds, before making his way to the bed. He lies down on his side, facing Even, and looks at him.

He’s waiting for Even to put his book down and face him, settle on his side so they can have the conversation they both know they need to have, but he doesn’t, so Isak takes matters into his own hands and grabs the book himself, gently taking it from Even’s hands and putting it on Even’s night table, facing down. Even doesn’t protest, just turns his face to look at Isak.

“I’m sorry” he starts. Even closes his eyes, lets out a sight and forces a tight smile. It looks so unnatural, so different to his usual wide grins, bigger than Earth, brighter than the Sun.

“It’s okay” Isak still can’t believe Even, after all these months together. Isak just majorly fucked up and made him feel bad, and Even’s trying not to make _him_ upset.

“It’s not. That was a shitty thing to say, going to therapy doesn’t mean you’re sick”

“I _am_ sick, though” Isak swallows, licks his lips.

“Yeah,” he concedes “but I said it like it was something bad, like I didn’t want to be associated with it” he’s not hesitant when he says it, he knows it’s what Even was thinking anyway. It still makes Even flinch. “You know it doesn’t make me think any less of you”

Isak is not actually sure Even knows that, but he’s going to tell him every single day if that’s what it takes.

Even doesn’t say anything, so Isak goes on “I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean that, what it sounded like is not what I really think. But I still shouldn’t have said it, I need to watch what I say more”

Even looks like he wants to say something but doesn’t quite know how, and Isak knows this is a hard subject for him to talk about, so he gives him time. He’ll give him his whole life, if that’s how much time he needs.

“I don’t want,” Even pauses, sighs again, blinks up at the ceiling “I don’t want you to think about how you have to be careful with what you say to me, and not say the things you want to because you think you’re gonna hurt my feelings” he finishes. Isak frowns.

“That’s not what it is,” he explains “even if you hadn’t been there, I still shouldn’t have said it, it was still a shitty thing to say. Even if I didn’t know you, even if you weren’t bipolar, I shouldn’t say that to anyone” Even remains silent, so Isak continues “and if it was about anything else, you’d call me out on it”

Isak thinks back to all the times Even’s told him something he said was insensitive, _I don’t think that’s fair_ , or _maybe don’t use that particular word, babe_. And it never made Isak feel like he was being scolded or judged or that Even thought any less of him because of his ignorance, it just felt like learning. Like Even, apart from helping him be honest with himself and be happy, is also helping him become a better person. He’s so grateful for that.

“Probably” Even smiles a little, and so Isak is encouraged.

“I need to start watching what I say, I know that,” he sees Even is going to protest, so he quickly keeps going “not just for you, I need to do better, I need to _be_ better for myself. There are lots of things I need to unlearn, not only about mental illness, I’m prejudiced about lots of things, and I need to change that”

Isak feels a little sad thinking about it, how he still can’t help but think something negative when he sees people at pride, guys wearing nail polish, make up, high heels. He knows it’s wrong, these people are just living their lives and he’s living his. He shakes himself out of those thoughts as soon as he registers them but they’re still the first thing that pops up in his head and that frustrates the fuck out of him.

“Isak,” Even waits until Isak looks up at him again to continue talking, like he can see his thoughts have drifted away, and he’s waiting for him to come back “it’s not just you, we all have prejudice. I’ve said my fair share of ignorant things, it’s human, the important thing is that we acknowledge that and try to change it”

Isak smiles. He starts stroking Even’s cheek with his thumb, then grazing the back of his fingers against it, to end up tucking Even’s hair behind his ear and resting his hand there, on the nape of his neck “I’m sorry I was insensitive and hurt you, I didn’t mean what I said, I’ll try to be better”

“You’re forgiven” Even smiles, and the difference between that and “ _it’s okay_ ” may not be apparent to everyone else, but it means the world to Isak.

He pecks Even once on the lips before resting his head on his chest, putting both arms around him and squeezing, listening to his heartbeat while Even uses his hands to stroke Isak’s back, starting by petting his hair and ending all the way down at the base of his spine.

They stay like that for a few minutes, Isak content to just lie there forever, holding his boyfriend tight and feeling him breathe underneath his body, but Even speaks up.

“Why were you guys talking about you going to therapy?” Isak had pretty much forgotten the initial conversation he had had with the boys, it having been eclipsed by this obviously more important one.

“Oh, you know I haven’t really been sleeping lately. They said it might help”

“It might” Even suggests. Isak looks up at him.

“What would they even do? I could just borrow Linn’s sleeping pills and save myself a lot of time”

“Well, you could talk things out with them” Even shrugs “and you shouldn’t self-medicate” Isak rolls his eyes.

“I have people to talk to” Isak rests his head on Even’s chest again, closing his eyes when he feels Even’s fingers threading through his hair.

“Yeah, but it’s different with a professional, they’d actually know what to do” Even’s deep voice is making his chest vibrate in a way that is very soothing for Isak, and he can feel himself stating to drift off. “I can only make you so much tea at two in the morning” Even jokes.

“Tea is disgusting” Isak manages to let out. He barely registers Even’s laugh and “it kind of is” before he’s completely asleep.

The next Monday, he walks out of Dr. Skrulle’s office with a pocket full of condoms (he made the mistake of mentioning he had a boyfriend, and she had practically shoved a dozen of them in his coat pocket. Hey, Isak is not complaining) and a therapist appointment.

 

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr at @lovedisak :)


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